Living with peace, joy & abundance in the face of infertility.

When you’re in the midst of infertility, it can seem like everyone has an opinion about what you should do…

“You should just adopt – so many women get pregnant when they decide to adopt.”

“You should just relax – you’re too stressed out to get pregnant.”

“Take a vacation – that’s how my sister finally got pregnant.”

“You’re almost 40 so just do IVF until it works – it’ll be worth the money in the end.”

“I know you’re upset about your miscarriage but at least you know you can get pregnant.”

“Why don’t you just use donor eggs if your eggs are no good?”

“I think you should just adopt – at least you’ll know you’re getting a baby.”

And the list of insensitive, hurtful, ignorant comments goes on, and on, and on.  The input can come from friends, family,…even your own spouse.  When you’re dealing with the stress and emotions of infertility, this kind of feedback is the opposite of helpful.  In some cases it can make you so angry you avoid certain friends or even sever relationships.

My advice is to educate your friends and family about how to talk to you.  Teach them what is hurtful and what is helpful.  The people who love you don’t want to cause you pain – they just want to help and are unsure about how to do that.  If you want your close relationships to improve it’s important to have honest discussions about how you’re feeling and set healthy boundaries.  You might say “I know you’re trying to be helpful, but your advice is really upsetting to me.  I think it’s best if we don’t discuss my fertility issues anymore.”  Or you could say “I understand that you want to find a solution to my infertility, but I don’t need advice.  I don’t need you to fix this, I just need you to listen and be there for me.”

The reality is you teach people how to treat you.  If people are treating you poorly, or in a way that is hurtful, you’ve taught them that it’s okay.  Now, it’s up to you to teach them that it’s not.

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