by Melissa Sanford on March 8, 2010
When you’re in the midst of infertility, it can seem like everyone has an opinion about what you should do…
“You should just adopt – so many women get pregnant when they decide to adopt.”
“You should just relax – you’re too stressed out to get pregnant.”
“Take a vacation – that’s how my sister finally got pregnant.”
“You’re almost 40 so just do IVF until it works – it’ll be worth the money in the end.”
“I know you’re upset about your miscarriage but at least you know you can get pregnant.”
“Why don’t you just use donor eggs if your eggs are no good?”
“I think you should just adopt – at least you’ll know you’re getting a baby.”
And the list of insensitive, hurtful, ignorant comments goes on, and on, and on. The input can come from friends, family,…even your own spouse. When you’re dealing with the stress and emotions of infertility, this kind of feedback is the opposite of helpful. In some cases it can make you so angry you avoid certain friends or even sever relationships.
My advice is to educate your friends and family about how to talk to you. Teach them what is hurtful and what is helpful. The people who love you don’t want to cause you pain – they just want to help and are unsure about how to do that. If you want your close relationships to improve it’s important to have honest discussions about how you’re feeling and set healthy boundaries. You might say “I know you’re trying to be helpful, but your advice is really upsetting to me. I think it’s best if we don’t discuss my fertility issues anymore.” Or you could say “I understand that you want to find a solution to my infertility, but I don’t need advice. I don’t need you to fix this, I just need you to listen and be there for me.”
The reality is you teach people how to treat you. If people are treating you poorly, or in a way that is hurtful, you’ve taught them that it’s okay. Now, it’s up to you to teach them that it’s not.
by Melissa Sanford on February 22, 2010
Infertiles are some of the most knowledgeable people in the world on the topics of infertility, enhancing fertility, IVF and all things related to trying to conceive. We’ve read every piece of information on the Internet and Google stuff daily in case anything new pops up. We’ve brought long lists of questions to our RE appointments; picking our doctor’s brains over and over during countless fertility appointments. We’ve read every book ever written on getting pregnant, enhancing fertility naturally and eating a fertility-friendly diet. We grill our acupuncturists about the food we’re eating or not eating. It’s mentally exhausting but our knowledge gives us a sense of power and comfort in the midst of a life crisis we cannot possibly control.
While information is usually a good thing, it can backfire on us. One way it does this is by creating feelings of guilt. For example, you read a new bestselling fertility book that says you should eat lots of organ meat to build your blood. The problem is you haven’t been able to even look at liver in the butcher case without gagging. So you don’t eat it and that makes you feel guilty. Or maybe your acupuncturist told you to do 20 minutes of yoga every morning but you barely squeeze it in once a week. So you feel like a bad person for not giving yourself the best possible chance of conceiving. Or perhaps your RE told you to quit all coffee including decaf – but three sleepy mornings a week you find yourself clutching a grande half-caf vanilla latte. You drink it (and it is mighty delicious) but you’re disappointed in yourself for not having more will power.
Maybe you beat yourself up for not adhering to every one of the stringent “fertility rule” set out by all the experts, books and articles. Maybe you think “If I wanted a baby bad enough, I would be willing to (fill in the blank).” Does a thought like that make you feel good or bad? If it makes you feel bad, you can bet the thought is a lie. The truth never feels crappy. I’m not suggesting you abandon all the fertility enhancing tricks you’ve learned, but I am suggesting you give yourself a break – lots of them actually. I’m suggesting you stop beating yourself up for drinking that latte and pat yourself on the back for remembering to take all your supplements today.
Getting pregnant and overcoming infertility is not about adhering to every single “fertility rule” nor is it about being absolutely perfect at absolutely everything. While you’re working so hard to avoid this and add more of that, your life is whizzing by at record speed. I suggest finding a happy medium where you follow the suggestions that feel good to you, but still leave room for the things that really bring you joy and pleasure.
When you’re in the midst of infertility, it can seem like everyone has an opinion about what you should do…