When you’re in the midst of infertility, it can seem like everyone has an opinion about what you should do…

You should just adopt – so many women get pregnant when they decide to adopt.”

You should just relax – you’re too stressed out to get pregnant.”

Take a vacation – that’s how my sister finally got pregnant.”

You’re almost 40 so just do IVF until it works – it’ll be worth the money in the end.”

I know you’re upset about your miscarriage but at least you know you can get pregnant.”

Why don’t you just use donor eggs if your eggs are no good?

I think you should just adopt – at least you’ll know you’re getting a baby.

And the list of insensitive, hurtful, ignorant comments goes on, and on, and on.  The input can come from friends, family,…even your own spouse.  When you’re dealing with the stress and emotions of infertility, this kind of feedback is the opposite of helpful.  In some cases it can make you so angry you avoid certain friends or even sever relationships.

My advice is to educate your friends and family about how to talk to you.  Teach them what is hurtful and what is helpful.  The people who love you don’t want to cause you pain – they just want to help and are unsure about how to do that.  If you want your close relationships to improve it’s important to have honest discussions about how you’re feeling and set healthy boundaries.  You might say “I know you’re trying to be helpful, but your advice is really upsetting to me.  I think it’s best if we don’t discuss my fertility issues anymore.”  Or you could say “I understand that you want to find a solution to my infertility, but I don’t need advice.  I don’t need you to fix this, I just need you to listen and be there for me.”

The reality is you teach people how to treat you.  If people are treating you poorly, or in a way that is hurtful, you’ve taught them that it’s okay.  Now, it’s up to you to teach them that it’s not.

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Infertiles are some of the most knowledgeable people in the world on the topics of infertility, enhancing fertility, IVF and all things related to trying to conceive.  We’ve read every piece of information on the Internet and Google stuff daily in case anything new pops up.  We’ve brought long lists of questions to our RE appointments; picking our doctor’s brains over and over during countless fertility appointments.  We’ve read every book ever written on getting pregnant, enhancing fertility naturally and eating a fertility-friendly diet.  We grill our acupuncturists about the food we’re eating or not eating.  It’s mentally exhausting but our knowledge gives us a sense of power and comfort in the midst of a life crisis we cannot possibly control.

While information is usually a good thing, it can backfire on us.  One way it does this is by creating feelings of guilt.  For example, you read a new bestselling fertility book that says you should eat lots of organ meat to build your blood. The problem is you haven’t been able to even look at liver in the butcher case without gagging.  So you don’t eat it and that makes you feel guilty.  Or maybe your acupuncturist told you to do 20 minutes of yoga every morning but you barely squeeze it in once a week.  So you feel like a bad person for not giving yourself the best possible chance of conceiving.  Or perhaps your RE told you to quit all coffee including decaf – but three sleepy mornings a week you find yourself clutching a grande half-caf vanilla latte.  You drink it (and it is mighty delicious) but you’re disappointed in yourself for not having more will power.

Maybe you beat yourself up for not adhering to every one of the stringent “fertility rule” set out by all the experts, books and articles.  Maybe you think “If I wanted a baby bad enough, I would be willing to (fill in the blank).”  Does a thought like that make you feel good or bad?  If it makes you feel bad, you can bet the thought is a lie.  The truth never feels crappy.  I’m not suggesting you abandon all the fertility enhancing tricks you’ve learned, but I am suggesting you give yourself a break – lots of them actually.  I’m suggesting you stop beating yourself up for drinking that latte and pat yourself on the back for remembering to take all your supplements today.

Getting pregnant and overcoming infertility is not about adhering to every single “fertility rule” nor is it about being absolutely perfect at absolutely everything.  While you’re working so hard to avoid this and add more of that, your life is whizzing by at record speed.  I suggest finding a happy medium where you follow the suggestions that feel good to you, but still leave room for the things that really bring you joy and pleasure.

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Stress and Infertility – How Can There NOT be a Link?

February 11, 2010

We all know that stress can wreak havoc on the body and has been linked to all kinds of disorders and diseases.  But is there a solid link between stress and infertility?  Many medical professionals say no because it’s difficult to measure and there aren’t a lot of studies and research to prove it.  But [...]

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Infertility and Your Sex Life – The Magic of a Weekend Getaway

January 28, 2010

If you’ve been trying to conceive for a while you probably already know that infertility can wreak complete and utter havoc on your sex life.  When you’ve spent months or even years obsessively charting your BBT, checking cervical mucus, injecting yourself with insanity-inducing drugs, pinpointing the exact microsecond of ovulation, making your husband “save it [...]

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Infertility Grief – You do Not Need Permission to Feel Loss and Pain

January 14, 2010

Working through infertility grief is one of the most important things you can do for your emotional health while trying to conceive.  That means feeling your feelings all the way through no matter how painful or uncomfortable they are.  The more you try to avoid feeling pain, the more that pain festers and grows.  What [...]

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Infertility Etiquette for Friends and Family

January 8, 2010

So many of my clients tell me horror stories about things friends and family member have said about their fertility issues (and I have lots of my own examples, too).  My clients have heard things like “You’re still young.” and “My cousin tried for 13 years and finally had a baby when she stopped trying.“  And [...]

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The Continuous Change Cycle of Infertility – Easy, Breezy Square Four

January 7, 2010

Over the past few week’s I’ve been describing each of the four squares of Martha Beck’s change cycle.  So far, we’ve talked about the pain and suffering of Square One, the returning hope and joy of Square Two and the tough nuts and bolts work of Square Three.  Today I’m going to talk about the [...]

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Arizona Infertility Support Group a Big Success!

January 4, 2010

Saturday was the first meeting of The Fertile Ground Coaching & Support Circle – an Arizona infertility support group.  Thank you to the wonderful women who attended – we got some great work done!  We’re looking forward to this group growing as we move through 2010.  Our next meeting is Saturday, February 6th at 10:30am.
If [...]

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Infertility and the Inevitable Holiday Meltdown

January 2, 2010

Yesterday, New Year’s Day, I received a card in the mail from a friend I haven’t talked to in a couple years.  The cover of the card featured a picture of her with an enormous (and exposed) pregnant belly; her husband’s hands resting lovingly on it.  The card said Happy New Year.  I felt anything but happy.
Before I [...]

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Infertility Nutrition Tips for PCOS and other Fertility Issues

December 30, 2009

Check out this fantastic infertility nutrition website created by a woman who overcame PCOS naturally.  It’s very well-written and offers great advice & information on how to start eating “Real Food” to enhance your fertility.

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