Living with peace, joy & abundance in the face of infertility.
“If you’d just relax you’d get pregnant.” Dealing with Annoying, Frustrating Comments.
by Melissa Sanford on August 10, 2009
I’m sure you’ve heard it a thousand times. A well-meaning friend or acquaintance explains to you (in all their infinite fertility wisdom) that as soon as you relax/start adoption proceedings/stop thinking about it/take a vacation to Hawaii, you’ll miraculously get pregnant. How do they know this? Because they know someone who knows someone whose aunt’s sister’s friend’s parakeet had that happen to them. So, in other words, they’re offering you incredibly sage advice.
Does this kind of comment send you into a blind rage? Does it make you want to run out of the room with your hands over your ears? Does it make you grit your teeth and ball up your fists so tight your knuckles are cramped up for three days afterward? If so, please keep reading, help is on the way.
The next time this happens, as it inevitably will, I have one simple suggestion: ask yourself why the comment bothers you so much. You see, the comment is not causing you pain, nor is your well-meaning friend. It’s not like a kitchen knife was just plunged into your gut. Now that would cause pain. The comment, on the other hand, is an intangible thing that does not have the power to make you feel bad.
Why then do you feel so bad?
Because the comment caused you to think a painful thought and that thought is causing you to suffer. Your friend is not the problem. Her comment is not the problem…your thoughts are the problem.
So, let’s say a friend meets you for lunch later this week and over wood fired pizza she tells you that you should just relax about the whole baby thing. First, take a deep breath (and another bite of arugula pizza so you don’t say something you’ll regret). Then (quietly to yourself) ask: Why does that comment bother me so much? If you answer this honestly you’ll find there’s a painful thought or two underlying the anger or frustration you’re experiencing. For example, maybe the comment makes you think “I know I need to relax but I have no earthly idea how to do that.” Or maybe, when you hear that comment, it immediately makes you think “Oh my goodness I’m 39 years old and I’m never going to have a baby.” There are countless variations on this thought theme but I’m sure you get the gist. There is a crappy, limiting, untrue thought in there somewhere and it’s making you feel awful.
Once you’ve located the thought, simply question whether or not it’s completely, 100% true. Here are a few examples.
Crappy Thought: “I’m never going to have a baby.” Is that completely 100% true? Of course not.
Crappy Thought: “I have no idea how to relax.” Is that completely 100% true? Doubtful.
Crappy Thought: “I’m a failure.” Is that completely 100% true? Absolutely not.
Just uncovering the fact that your thought is not completely true can begin to change the feeling it’s creating. Sometimes you’ll even find that you giggle a little when you ask yourself this question. If you do, that’s great because it means that in this moment you are not buying into your thoughts. And THAT, my friends, is the first step to infertility freedom.
You have no control over the comments others make during your infertility journey and you can be sure they will keep coming at you. You DO, however, have the ability to control your own thoughts and therefore your own feelings. And I assure you that is completely,…100%,…true.
“If you’d just relax you’d get pregnant.” Dealing with Annoying, Frustrating Comments.
by Melissa Sanford on August 10, 2009
Does this kind of comment send you into a blind rage? Does it make you want to run out of the room with your hands over your ears? Does it make you grit your teeth and ball up your fists so tight your knuckles are cramped up for three days afterward? If so, please keep reading, help is on the way.
The next time this happens, as it inevitably will, I have one simple suggestion: ask yourself why the comment bothers you so much. You see, the comment is not causing you pain, nor is your well-meaning friend. It’s not like a kitchen knife was just plunged into your gut. Now that would cause pain. The comment, on the other hand, is an intangible thing that does not have the power to make you feel bad.
Why then do you feel so bad?
Because the comment caused you to think a painful thought and that thought is causing you to suffer. Your friend is not the problem. Her comment is not the problem…your thoughts are the problem.
So, let’s say a friend meets you for lunch later this week and over wood fired pizza she tells you that you should just relax about the whole baby thing. First, take a deep breath (and another bite of arugula pizza so you don’t say something you’ll regret). Then (quietly to yourself) ask: Why does that comment bother me so much? If you answer this honestly you’ll find there’s a painful thought or two underlying the anger or frustration you’re experiencing. For example, maybe the comment makes you think “I know I need to relax but I have no earthly idea how to do that.” Or maybe, when you hear that comment, it immediately makes you think “Oh my goodness I’m 39 years old and I’m never going to have a baby.” There are countless variations on this thought theme but I’m sure you get the gist. There is a crappy, limiting, untrue thought in there somewhere and it’s making you feel awful.
Once you’ve located the thought, simply question whether or not it’s completely, 100% true. Here are a few examples.
Crappy Thought: “I’m never going to have a baby.”
Is that completely 100% true? Of course not.
Crappy Thought: “I have no idea how to relax.”
Is that completely 100% true? Doubtful.
Crappy Thought: “I’m a failure.”
Is that completely 100% true? Absolutely not.
Just uncovering the fact that your thought is not completely true can begin to change the feeling it’s creating. Sometimes you’ll even find that you giggle a little when you ask yourself this question. If you do, that’s great because it means that in this moment you are not buying into your thoughts. And THAT, my friends, is the first step to infertility freedom.
You have no control over the comments others make during your infertility journey and you can be sure they will keep coming at you. You DO, however, have the ability to control your own thoughts and therefore your own feelings. And I assure you that is completely,…100%,…true.
Tagged as: Infertility, infertility comments, trying to conceive