Dealing with Miscarriage or Other Infertility Disappointment? Welcome Back to Square One.

Miscarriages, failed IVF cycles and other infertility disappointments often leave women feeling devastated, frustrated and lost.  If you’ve experienced any of these events, you may remember uncontrollable crying, raging, withdrawing, rebeling and lots more.  Unfortunately, there’s no avoiding this painful phase, in fact, the best way to handle it to just feel every emotion all the way through.  But it’s helpful to know that this uncomfortable stage is a completely normal part of life’s cyclical change process.

In her book Finding Your Own North Star, bestselling author, O columnist and life coach Dr. Martha Beck introduces the idea of the change cycle and describes the four squares of change.  According to Beck, we are always in one of these four squares in each area of our lives.  For example, we may simultaneously be in Square One with our fertility, Square Four with our marriage and Square Three with our career.  And when you’re dealing with infertility, you’re almost constantly buffeted between the four squares of change – sometimes every 28 days.  It’s a trip that can be utterly exhausting.  But understanding the change cycle and knowing what square you’re in can go a long way in helping you manage the journey.

The Change Cycle is an important piece of what I do with my coaching clients so I’m going to spend my next few blog posts explaining each of the four squares – including what to do when you’re in each of them.  So, let’s begin at the very beginning…the dreaded Square One.

Square One
Martha Beck defines Square One as a death and rebirth phase in which the old you is melting down and dissolving.  You’ll know you’re in Square One because you’ll feel like crap.  You may feel awful – sad, angry and even rudderless.  You see, Square One is where you land after your life has changed in some big and meaningful way.  It’s a time when your identity is radically changing.  Typically, some kind of catalytic event throws you into this square.  A miscarriage or a failed IVF attempt are both examples of catalytic events.  Up until the time you miscarry you identify yourself as a pregnant woman, “expecting,” a soon-to-be-mom, an almost parent.  In the moment when you lose a baby, that identity is shattered completely – whether you were eight weeks along or eighteen.  Similarly, when you’re in the two-week-wait after an IVF you’re a possibly pregnant person, a potential mom-to-be.  When the test comes back negative it’s back to childless and infertile again – and right back to Square One.

What to do In Square One
Square One is a time for lots of doing nothing and lots of indulgent self-care.  It’s a time to feel your feelings all the way through.  So ride the waves of your emotions and let it all out.  The only way out of this phase is right through the middle and you’ll get through faster if you let the emotions come up.  Oh, and it’s best to not make any big decisions during this difficult time.  Just take care of you in every possible way.  This too shall pass.

Square One is also a time when LOTS of untrue, limiting thoughts are going to pop up for you.  Things like “This is not fair” and “I’m never going to be a mother” and “I can’t do this anymore.”  Your job is to notice any painful thoughts  and start to dissolve them using a method like Notice/Question/Replace.  After the initial event, it’s your thoughts that will cause much of your suffering so working on them is a surefire way to heal.

Square One of the change cycle is not a fun place to hang out but it doesn’t last forever.  For some of us it lasts about 5 minutes for others two days and for others months.  Once you know that it’s a normal part of life, you can deal with it.  When you find yourself smack dab in the middle of it you can say “Okay, this feels like absolute crap and I have no idea what’s going on so I must be in Square One - I know it won’t last forever.“  Then you can go make yourself a cup of tea, snuggle up on the couch and let the feelings come, knowing that it’s only a matter of time before you begin to move into the sweet dreaming of Square Two.