Yesterday, New Year’s Day, I received a card in the mail from a friend I haven’t talked to in a couple years. The cover of the card featured a picture of her with an enormous (and exposed) pregnant belly; her husband’s hands resting lovingly on it. The card said Happy New Year. I felt anything but happy.
Before I opened that card I felt hopeful and excited about what 2010 would bring. After I opened the card, I felt incredibly sad and hopeless. So, what changed during that split second? My circumstances were the same - I was not pregnant before I opened the card and I was not pregnant after.
What happened in the hour or so after I opened the card was my thoughts ran completely wild. My mind went over all the friends who had babies this year or announced pregnancies (there were many and most of them were in Christmas cards on my fridge). I felt hopeless and sad. My mind listed all the friends who were married about one millisecond and got pregnant while I’ve been married 10 years with no baby. I felt anger and resentment. My mind conjured up painful thoughts like ”I can’t do this anymore.” and “Everyone else gets to be a mother except me.” and “I’m turning 40 this year – time is running out for me.” I felt anxious and deflated. It was a one-hour thought rampage.
I let myself be sad, pissed off and hopeless for that hour. I cried for the losses, frustrations and setbacks of the past five years. I let myself feel the feelings that had been bubbling just below the surface all holiday season long. When the emotions passed through me a like a wave, as they always do, I spent some time cleaning up my thoughts by questioning every one of them.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Is that completely 100% true? No.
Better-feeling thought: “I’m currently on an all-natural path of fertility enhancement and I feel my body changing every day. I will do this until I am a mother – however that comes to me.”
“Everyone else gets to be a mother except me.”
Is that completely 100% true? No.
Better-feeling thought: “There are millions of infertile women out there and many of them need my help.”
“I’m turning 40 this year – time is running out for me.”
Is that completely 100% true? No.
Better-feeling thought: “I just read an article about 5 women over 50 who had babies. I still have time.”
Once I worked through my painful emotions and then my painful thoughts I felt much better (I also felt better once the card was in the trash). If I had not done this thought work, I’d still be a hot mess. And I am truly happy for all my fertile friends and their beautiful babies, I just wish it could be me…and that’s okay.
Please make sure you’re doing YOUR thought work today and throughout 2010. Your life will thank you for it.
Happy New Year.
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What an encouraging post! You are such an inspiration